Movie: Twilight

Note from the blog-owner: Austin writes about his point of view and review on the movie Twilight. I had a good long laugh. Enjoy!

By: Austin Takahashi

Rating:

If vampires were more than just bloody fairy tales, and one of ‘em saw Twilight, I’d bet they would hunt Steph Meyer, drain her blood, replace it with honey, hang her upside-down on a cave, and wait for bees to sting her to death. Twilight is the fakest, dumbest, most annoying vampire movie ever made.

And because it won top prize at the School of Film Retards, New Moon was given the green light and is going to be released worldwide next month. Before I continue any further, let me make it clear that I have never read any of those books. But if you are an avid fan of the books and the movie, and are willing to send me a copy of Twilight so that I may change my perspective about the film, please do, and I will gladly use its pages as toilet paper. Now let’s continue.

Kirsten Bell is the cursed actress in Hollywood. All the movies she agrees to be a part of end up being crap. Zathura, The Messengers, Jumper: all of them she was in- and all of them sucked. And the moment she signed up to play Bella, her career hit a new low; so low, even Paris Hilton is making fun of her.

She pairs up with Robert Pattinson. OK, so you pair up the worst actress in the universe with a guy whose acting talent is proportional to Pacquiao’s English skills. On top of that, they are given the responsibility to exchange lines from the most annoying script my ears had to endure.

As I sat there in the theatre a year ago, I remember that my seat was comfortable, and the air-conditioning was perfect, and yet I felt that I’d rather be in one of Hitler’s gas chambers than hear lines like, “I’m the most dangerous predator in the world”, “The lion fell in love with the lamb”, and “You are like my own personal brand of heroine”.

Those lines were actually forgivable compared to, “You better hold on tight, spider monkey.” Good thing I wasn’t constipated when I heard that line, because if I was, I’d scoop a chunk of Japanese poo and hurl it to the screen and scream “Eat crap, spider monkey!”

And who could ever forget the scene in the forest where Cullen and Bella had “the talk”. I have seen dozens of hardcore gore movies, but that scene was the closest at making me vomit. You really don’t need me to remind you of how awful that scene was. All you need is your eyes, your common sense, and your sanity.
This is more of an insult than a movie review because Twilight is more of an insult than a movie.

New Moon is coming out soon, and I am pissed and excited at the same time. I am pissed because there are people out there capable of making movies this terrible. I am excited because I get to make fun of the people who are capable of making movies this terrible.

I am only going to watch New Moon only if someone gives me a free ticket. And if that happens, I’ll be ready. Things to bring: blindfold, ear plugs, slingshot, laxative.

Note: If you want a real vampire movie with real romance accompanied with real acting, watch the Swedish vampire movie; Let the Right One In, by Tomas Alfredson. (Watch trailer below)